'Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a child was sleeping, but dad is passed out.
The stocking are missing, strewn through the house.
I bought a new holder, It broke.

The children are naked, fighting over the bath
While one is screaming about soap in the eye.
And mamma with her wine, and Dad with his rum
Has just snored himself awake from a long couch nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I forgot to turn off the sprinkler system. That's what's the matter.
Away from the window I dash, it was open, we live in Florida
Panicked, I knocked down the heavy blinds, I need more wine.

The moon on breast of the wet sprinkled grass
Gave luster of the mid-day to piles of buckets and shovels.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A wild boar, tearing up the ravine and 8 shady squirrels.

With a deep sigh of relief the kids are in bed,
In a moment I knew one would be up to pee.
More likely than not it will be Kendal its like a game,
And then Logan will come and yell my name! For no reason.

"Now Logan! Now, Kendal! Now, SLEEP! Now, Loopy wake up!
On, Cookies! On, Ice Cream! On, with the midnight purge!
To the top of the attic and in both the closets!
Now Hurry up! Find all the presents before they wake up! Hurry up get them all"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard something shatter
The tree has gone 4 days without water
As I drew in my breath, and was turning around,
Under the tree another ornament falls and some lights. Poor tree.

I put on my Santa hat with matted fur, there's chunk missing,
(because last year the nutcracker's mustache fell off and I had to improvise.)
Bags and boxes of toys we had stashed,
I feel like a phony, I have told many lies.

My eyes how they drooped! My husband is snoring!
My heart is still happy, I know it'll be worth it.
When the kids see the presents from parents and grandparents!
I hope the camera has batteries, Oh shit, I FORGOT BATTERIES!!

The pain in my jaw from the gritting of teeth
And the Elf on the Shelf has been of no help.
I'll have another cookie, Oh crap, we forgot to leave out some cookies!
Logan's not sleeping anyway, I'll call him back out to set out the treats.

Lets try this again, I laughed to myself
when Kendal came back out, "where are you pants?"
With a slow blink of an eye, they're finally asleep,
Time to be Santa, This hat is itchy.

We speak not a word, but get strait to work,
And searched for the stockings, they have to be here somewhere.
And laying a finger aside his nose
And looking quite scary, Loopy let out a sneeze, damn these sinus'.

We sprang to our work, and got the presents set,
And with quickness we moved, we are tired too!
But I heard a door creek, SON OF A... False alarm.
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"